Category: Department of Human Affairs

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Why Aren’t We All Like That Old Bird …

A wise old owl lived in an oak
The more he saw the less he spoke,
The less he spoke, the more he heard,
Why aren’t we all like that old bird?

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Definitive Proof of Fatah al-Islam’s Connection to the Evil Empire …

Yankees Go Home!!! What more proof could anyone need?!? Everybody knows Bashar al-Assad still hates Bucky Dent, so please stop with the Damascene conspiracy theories.

In the more serious political world of calling balls and strikes, let me say that this is additional proof that Fatah al-Islam are not hard-core jihadis, but rather pay-a-day foot soldiers of a very local — and idiotic — concern. That a Lebanese version be rather awkward in its branding makes sense in the land of “adi-b-as” bags.* Hence the odd charm, non?

I would imagine that most groups or individuals that the USG, the media and others identify as Al-Qaeda are much the same. Just mercenaries, and like soldiers of fortune past and present they dabble in (or are dabbled in) the cultish arts for institutional and/or political purposes.

In other words, give me $5,000 and I will find you a man ready to die for the Easter Bunny.

* Thanks, prince of zion.

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A Reply to an American Mother`s Message

From Iranian president Mahmood Ahmadinejad’s official blog (once you’re on the page click on the ‘english’ link at the top right):

Venerable mother
Greetings

First of all, I apologize for the delay of answering your question. This is due to my heavy schedules. So far, I have received many letters – with the same type of messages – such as yours.
If your son opposed to go to Iraq and impose pressure on the people of that region, and then was forcibly taken there, certainly Almighty God would help him. And those who have forced your beloved son to go to the war are responsible for his blood and the bloodshed that they have caused. They should answer Almighty God in the Day of Judgment.
In regard to statement you have made, since I did not want my reply lead to any problem for you, did not send it through e-mail, because if some agents are getting into private life of the American citizens and eligitimatley control them, may create problem for you. Instead, I decided to post the reply on the web log that those who may have the same views such as yours, get the answer …

Written by Mahmood Ahmadinejad at 14:27 (emphasis added)

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Wanted

Hey friends and fellow readers,

I saw that some bloggers have little banners on their front page like “this blog is against torture”, or “We’re openminded”, or “we’re fine with gays”, etc.

So this is a call to any graphic designer who knows how to create such little rectangular boxes to send me banners such as “We’re narrowminded”, “This is a fascist blog”, or “we torture gay people”.

You know, this is just to make clear who “we” are on this blog. Thank you for your cooperation.

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Your Love Is Better Than Chocolate …?

Accompanying a 35-page petition signed by a diverse set of culinary groups — juice producers, meat canners and the chocolate lobby — the appendix charts proposed changes to food standard definitions set by the Food and Drug Administration, including this one: “use a vegetable fat in place of another vegetable fat named in the standard (e.g., cacao fat).”

The “chocolate lobby”? Yet another sign of imperial (tooth) decay …

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Oh, My!

A “WOMAN town” where females make all decisions and punish naughty men is being built in mid-China.
The 1.5 square mile Shuangqiao district in Chongqing will have the slogan: “A woman never makes a mistake. A man can never reject a woman’s request.”
It is expected to be a Mecca for women tourists.
Tourism chief Li Jigang said: “A disobedient man will be punished by kneeling on a board or doing dishes.”

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The Follicle Follies: A Happy Ending …

Although my literary career remains on pause while I attend to more profane matters, I continue to collect materials, rather unwittingly, for my all-but ordained collection of short stories, Barbershops of the World: My Life with Hair.
Today’s adventure was priceless and had me thinking of the fires of Hatay and Brooklyn’s missing scissors (don’t ask, the shit is proprietary).
Let me just say this: If you have not had a Phillipina woman softly hum Patsy Cline’s Crazy (kwazee for twying, kwazee for cwying, cwazie for luving ooo) while she massages your scalp and her coworkers, mouths full of lasagna, debate whether the same dirty joke sounds better in Spanish or Italian, you do not know the meaning of “happy ending.”
God, let me never go bald. You have made me the anti-Sampson, and without my shearings, I am powerless against the horrible dullness.

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A Real Whopper …

Okay, I found out today that I am old. Here’s how: Burger King is currently running tv ads featuring a tune from a favorite band of my pre-teen years.

The catch: it’s about masturbation.

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Lying …

Experiments have found that ordinary people tell about two lies every 10 minutes, with some people getting in as many as a dozen falsehoods in that period.